Cravings, Non-cravings and my Relationship with Food

I don’t know what’s happened this week. I’ve eaten really well, not snacked between meals, and done some exercise (in the form of walking). There have been no cravings for anything, despite knowing there is chocolate that has been left in the cupboard at home, and a multitude of biscuits and easy ways to get crap food at work. It’s all a bit bewildering. Reading through what I’ve written, it sounds like this should be a good thing. Well…I’m not so sure. I’ve lost my appetite and feel nauseous when I eat. I feel guilty with every mouthful of food and consider skipping meals. So actually, perhaps it’s not such a good thing.

Some people have been trying to be supportive. However, their ‘supportive’ comments are more like backhanded insults, insinuations, and overall negative comments. They said they are sick of waiting for me to do something about being fat instead of saying I will, talking about it and dragging my feet. Apparently I need to let go of my pride and let people help me. Ummm…I take advice all the time. I asked for advice on a recent post, and have had several hundred conversations about all of this shit. Thanks for paying attention pals.

Am I supposed to apologise for having an addiction to food? For struggling with self-control? For finding this all really difficult? I don’t think that would be productive or helpful to anyone. I like to excel at things, I always have. Failing at losing weight is my biggest failure and shame; and I post about it on the internet every week.

I am hard on myself and put myself down all the time. I have zero confidence and very low self-esteem. I feel like I am a worthless person. I don’t need others to help with that.

I’m not too prideful to admit that I need support, because I do need it. I also need to achieve this on my own to regain my sense of worth. I understand that is a hard line to tread for people trying to support me, but don’t tear me down and emotionally blackmail me with the threat of not being able to achieve things when you get tired of walking that line.

If you made it through this post, you are a champ. I’m venting.
Well…after purging my mind on here I’m going to go drown in some vomit…(kidding)
Goodnight, people.

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