Cravings, Non-cravings and my Relationship with Food

I don’t know what’s happened this week. I’ve eaten really well, not snacked between meals, and done some exercise (in the form of walking). There have been no cravings for anything, despite knowing there is chocolate that has been left in the cupboard at home, and a multitude of biscuits and easy ways to get crap food at work. It’s all a bit bewildering. Reading through what I’ve written, it sounds like this should be a good thing. Well…I’m not so sure. I’ve lost my appetite and feel nauseous when I eat. I feel guilty with every mouthful of food and consider skipping meals. So actually, perhaps it’s not such a good thing.

Some people have been trying to be supportive. However, their ‘supportive’ comments are more like backhanded insults, insinuations, and overall negative comments. They said they are sick of waiting for me to do something about being fat instead of saying I will, talking about it and dragging my feet. Apparently I need to let go of my pride and let people help me. Ummm…I take advice all the time. I asked for advice on a recent post, and have had several hundred conversations about all of this shit. Thanks for paying attention pals.

Am I supposed to apologise for having an addiction to food? For struggling with self-control? For finding this all really difficult? I don’t think that would be productive or helpful to anyone. I like to excel at things, I always have. Failing at losing weight is my biggest failure and shame; and I post about it on the internet every week.

I am hard on myself and put myself down all the time. I have zero confidence and very low self-esteem. I feel like I am a worthless person. I don’t need others to help with that.

I’m not too prideful to admit that I need support, because I do need it. I also need to achieve this on my own to regain my sense of worth. I understand that is a hard line to tread for people trying to support me, but don’t tear me down and emotionally blackmail me with the threat of not being able to achieve things when you get tired of walking that line.

If you made it through this post, you are a champ. I’m venting.
Well…after purging my mind on here I’m going to go drown in some vomit…(kidding)
Goodnight, people.

2014 in review

The stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 2,500 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 42 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Scheduling Exercise & Milestone Goals

Yesterday I had planned on going for a run. I kept leaving it because I wanted to make sure my food had gone down before going. No-one wants a vommy run. I left it too late and didn’t end up running. I was doing some organizing, and eventually decided to make a daily schedule. Of my life. As Mandrew eloquently put it, ‘instead of going running, you made a schedule about going running’…Yes. Yes I did. I regret nothing. I enjoy making plans and creating visual things I can stick up onto my wall. My schedule is colour coded by activity. 

It goes a little something like this:

5am – Wake up

5:15 – Run

6:00 – Breakfast

6:45 – Leave for work

8:30 – Work

12:30 – Lunch

13:00 – Walk

13:30 – Work

17:30 – Commuting home

19:30 – Dinner

22:00 – Bedtime

This is more or less every weekday, with a couple of changes – for example Zumba on a Thursday at 7:30.

Exciting stuff. I want to think I will stick to it, I am going to try to. Some days it will have to be a little flexible based on what else is going on, but for the majority of the week this should be more or less the same.


What I also did – Inspired by Obese: A Year To Save My Life, which I may be a bit obsessed with at the moment – was make a 3 month, 6 month, 9 month and 1 year goal chart, for my one I chose to split this into lose 10% of original weight per 3 months. Here are my goals:

Start Weight: 228 Pounds

21.12.14 – 3 months: 205 Pounds

21.03.15 – 6 months: 182 Pounds

19.06.14 – 9 months: 159 Pounds

22.09.14 – 1 Year: 136 pounds

I’m scheduling these into my calendar so I remember to do the weigh ins for it! Exciting stuff. I will still be doing my weekly weigh ins, and taking monthly measurements as always, so you’ll still be hearing from me on a regular basis!

Self-fulfilling Prophecy

I’ve been spending the weekend with Pippydip (BFF) and we decided to get some exercise in after a weekend of eating birthday food. If you’re familiar with her blog you’ll know that she is very fit and is currently training for a half marathon. After an exciting impromptu riding lesson in which I managed to throw myself off Ernest the pony, We decided to go for a runwalk. Regardless of being at different running abilities – Pip has 4 years of running experience on my meagre year and a bit.

I haven’t run for a while and I didn’t think I would be able to do much. I said as much to Pip, though it sounded more like ‘I can’t run’. Actually it was exactly that. Pip kicked my butt and made me say I can run. And do you know what, I can. We ran for 6 minutes before going back to walking. I haven’t run for that length of time for a long while, probably since my first 5k in June. Didn’t realise how long it had been until I thought about it…oops. Pip made me think about how much I self-depreciate what I can do and, by extension, talk myself into not being able to push myself as far as I can go. I appreciate now how a self fulfilling prophecy works, I say I can’t, then I try and can’t do it. So thank you Pip, for pointing this out. I’m not saying I’m going to be Polly positive about it, but I can try to remind myself that actually I can do stuff.

Run info:
6 min walk warm up
6 mins (!!) Running
Walk interval
3 mins running
Walk cool down
This is an estimate, the only firm time is the 6 mins of running.

Yay me.

Now, I know you are probably wondering about the story behind the riding incident I mentioned earlier. I went with Pippin to the yard to see Ernest, while we were in the stable brushing Biff down, Pip hands me her riding helmet and tells me to try it on. So I do, it doesn’t fit so I take it off, not thinking much of it. Until Pip hands me Maxx’s helmet, which again I put on. It fits better than the first one, and by this point I have my suspicions, but am holding my breath while not wanting to be too presumptuous. I was being overcautious, of course it was exactly what it looked like. I have never ridden before, so for me this was quite exciting.

We headed over to the exit, Pip grabs a mounting block and instructs me in how to mount. Would now be a good time to mention that I am not great with jumping on or off things? I pluck up my courage and clamber up. Ungracefully, but I’m on.

It felt very strange, to be on top of an animal that moves around, breathes, has muscles that move and sways when he walks. I was quite tense to begin with, but once we were out on the road for a bit I started to relax and felt more comfortable. It helped that Pip was talking me through it all. We were going for a bit and I was really enjoying myself, the veiw from a pony (I say pony, he is 14 and a half hands so is horse sized, just a bit smaller and of the pony persuasion) seemed really different compared to my normal height.

After we had been walking for 25 mins, we pulled onto a grassy bank so I could dismount. No mounting block this time… I said to Pip that I was worried about jumping off. She said ‘what’s the worst that will happen? you’ll just fall on your butt.’

I unhooked my feet from the stirrups, and mentally prepared myself to swing my leg over and jump to the ground. I hold onto the front of the saddle, put lots of effort into swinging my leg over the back – I didnt want to kick him by accident or get stuck – got my leg over, and the momentum kept me going, and going, and then I was on the floor. Laying half underneath Ernest.

Looking back, I think what must have happened is when swinging my leg over, I did it with too much oomph. This then carried me all the way over but I didn’t reach the ground to stop the leg swing, which kept my momentum going-swinging my legs under Ernest until my right buttock and hip hit the floor. Needless to say I was quite winded. Scrabbling out from under Ernest was a bit difficult, but I knew I needed to do that sharpish, then I could continue with feeling sorry for myself! I was really worried I would fall down, and then I did. At least it happened and it won’t be so bad next time! (Next time???)

I do wish someone had recorded it. Then again, if they had I would have to relive it over and over… I’m quite certain that I’m never going to live this down as it is…

EDIT: On Monday I also went for a run and managed to do 7 minutes without stopping, and a further 1 m after a walk break. The total distance was 2.5k in 24 mins.

An Unintentional Workout…

For my Dad’s Father’s Day present, we all clubbed together and got him a Hovercraft Driving Experience – which myself and my 2 siblings would also be partaking in. This was booked for yesterday.

I could wax lyrical about how fun it was, and exhilarating, etcetera, etcetera. What I really want to talk about is how unexpectedly physical it was. I woke up this morning with some phenomenal aches and pains!

To drive the craft, you are on your knees. To steer, you have handlebars (like on a bicycle) – but you also need to put your weight to the side you are steering towards – turn right, lean right. This was much more difficult that it sounds; basically the weight trasfer helps to swing the craft around, it’s all about getting the right balance and leaning at the right time! I ended up pulling and pushing on the handlebars to help with getting enough motion to swing around the ends of the oval course. I also felt a lot of strain when I went off the course, and had to shimmy the craft over the uneven ground until it was able to go easily again! No wonder I ache. At the time though, I was much more focused on how fun it was.

And indeed it was fun. Even Mum joined in! Once you get a little more used to driving it, it’s amazing to whiz around the course over grass and water without a break in stride! As a matter of fact, I felt that the craft went smoother and faster over the water – I assume this is because it’s a flatter surface – no pesky grass in the way!

Achey parts:

  • Knees – from kneeling on them!
  • Thighs
  • shoulders
  • forearms
  • back
  • hands

Despite all of that, I highly recommend going if you get a chance to!

After weigh day post

Morning all.

So I weighed in yesterday, at 230 pounds. I was curious and weighed myself again this morning, and I had magically gone down a pound to 229 pounds-which was the target I set myself last week. I’m not sure if it counts for this week or not, or if I have to try to keep at 229 pounds (or less) until weigh in next week for it to count. Technically, its the start of a new weigh in week today so maybe it has to be 229 next week?

Then again, its still a weight loss…