Cravings, Non-cravings and my Relationship with Food

I don’t know what’s happened this week. I’ve eaten really well, not snacked between meals, and done some exercise (in the form of walking). There have been no cravings for anything, despite knowing there is chocolate that has been left in the cupboard at home, and a multitude of biscuits and easy ways to get crap food at work. It’s all a bit bewildering. Reading through what I’ve written, it sounds like this should be a good thing. Well…I’m not so sure. I’ve lost my appetite and feel nauseous when I eat. I feel guilty with every mouthful of food and consider skipping meals. So actually, perhaps it’s not such a good thing.

Some people have been trying to be supportive. However, their ‘supportive’ comments are more like backhanded insults, insinuations, and overall negative comments. They said they are sick of waiting for me to do something about being fat instead of saying I will, talking about it and dragging my feet. Apparently I need to let go of my pride and let people help me. Ummm…I take advice all the time. I asked for advice on a recent post, and have had several hundred conversations about all of this shit. Thanks for paying attention pals.

Am I supposed to apologise for having an addiction to food? For struggling with self-control? For finding this all really difficult? I don’t think that would be productive or helpful to anyone. I like to excel at things, I always have. Failing at losing weight is my biggest failure and shame; and I post about it on the internet every week.

I am hard on myself and put myself down all the time. I have zero confidence and very low self-esteem. I feel like I am a worthless person. I don’t need others to help with that.

I’m not too prideful to admit that I need support, because I do need it. I also need to achieve this on my own to regain my sense of worth. I understand that is a hard line to tread for people trying to support me, but don’t tear me down and emotionally blackmail me with the threat of not being able to achieve things when you get tired of walking that line.

If you made it through this post, you are a champ. I’m venting.
Well…after purging my mind on here I’m going to go drown in some vomit…(kidding)
Goodnight, people.

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Ben Nevis Training Hike #1

On Sunday my mountaineering friends and I went on a woodland hike to train for Ben Nevis. We were really lucky with the weather, lovely and clear and not too cold.

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Sumarry
Location: Shorne Wood Country Park
Trail type: Woodland
Distance: 7.5km total
Time: 2h 45m (however this includes a stop between the two trails we walked)

Shorne Wood has several different routes varying in length and difficulty. Firstly we tackled a 1.5km trail to warm up. This was pretty easy, however we did get a taste of what was yet to come. Mud. A lot of mud.

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That’s me in the bright orange, contemplating how to cross the mud field

We stopped briefly to consult the trail maps, and decided on the longest walking path-the Explorer trail. 6km round trip through wood and field. Mostly woods. And mud. So mushy that I almost lost my boots several times!  What a way to test my new walking boots! They held up really well. Incase you were wondering. We messed around and explored, and stumbled across a mud mountain, a faery ring and a very climbable tree.

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Panoramic of the faery ring

I had a lot of fun doing this with my friends (and boyfriend) however it was also a challenge. Mainly because of the muddy inclines and declines…but also because I still have a phlegmy chest from being ill. I don’t see this going away anytime soon unfortunately 😥 I’m really looking forward to the next hike, I want to push for longer next time to really test our endurance! Next weekend I’m hoping to get out on a clifftop hike, but I’ll update you as to whether this happens or not!

Here’s some pics of our antics!

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Walking along the least muddy parts!

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Water unsullied by the surrounding mud

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Climbing mud mountain

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More mud!

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Just hanging out…

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Claiming mud mountain

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LATER THAT MORNING….

heehees, the title feels kind of like the title of a comic strip panel…

Reflecting on my run made me think more about how much of an achievement that I actually ran is. outside. in front of other people. I was also thinking that if my friend hadn’t come with me, would I have been able to do it? Probably not, or I would have once and then given up, again. We have plans to go again, which is good because it will make me feel bad if I bail out of doing it. She makes a good Mr. Motivator 😉

as much as this is a personal achievement, I’m still overweight, unfit, and really awful compared to some of my friends who run or do other exercise regularly. Or those who have lost weight through eating plans. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. Feel bad for making me feel bad!

I’m joking of course, your achievements are amazing!!

 

In the earlier post I said I felt sick, that passed quite quickly and then I was really hungry, hungrier than normal in the mornings. my other symptoms have passed, leaving behind a slightly sore chest from the cold, and achey legs which I’m sure will be 100 times worse in the morning.

I feel Invigorated, and awake which is a nice change from my usual sleepy mornings! I’m going to have to try and remember that it will feel good after running, some self-motivation . . . I CAN do this! With a little help from my friends…